Once upon a chilly eve', Stars and Moon went to see a band. N.B.: others were present, but they don't matter, obviously. Stars and Moon also hate paying for things. A lot. But this show was important enough that they elected to break the bank on tickets. Also N.B.: Moon is still angry. Stupid headliner.
As is rote for all fairy tale classics, the glory of matching Newcastles (see photo below) was preceded by daunting dragons in matching baseball caps. And, of course, the obligatory midget.
(Why did I turn this into a fairy tale?) (I'm not really sure. But the story does include some evil villains and we are pretty princess-like, so it works.) Agreed. Oh and I had traveled from a distant land, so that counts for a proper fairy tale requirement.
Alas, we begin our tale of turpitude: Enter stage left Moon and Stars. The show has already begun. A midget stands before them.
What is the politically correct term for midget, anyway? Little person? I like wee one but that could get us in trouble with the fairy tale community. Well, I think you've done your part for the wee people actually with your Wee Me, no? That is somewhat exonerating. And you will find out later how I exonerate myself on behalf of the wee people. Absolutely. Well... I won't. I already know. But I can't wait for you to share it with the world.
In any event, Stars and Moon, are suddenly rushed by a group of three of the most ogre-ous/ogre-ful/ogre-ferous (I can't reconcile which word to make up) boys. They stampede over Princess Moon and Princess Stars. Their objective on the other side of the princesses is, obviously, to stand in front of them and act like complete and utter assholes. They reek of vile stale beer and that putrid odor of fraternity castle meets the creature under the bridge. And perhaps they were from a team of jesters as two of these ogres were wearing the exact same hat. Indeed they were. They were undercover jesters. But I saw one of them juggling by the bar later. Juggling two wenches.
(Is this a pirate fairy tale now?) Where's Orion, our resident pirate expert? We have finally found somewhere that his college degree can be put to use and he has gone the way of the buffalo. This may actually never happen again. Such is life.
Getting back to our glorious tale: said ogre-jesters proceed to accomplish their goal of irritating the hell out of the princesses, by pushing each other, ignoring the band and letting respect for others' space go by the wayside. The Princesses Moon and Stars complain to one another to the tune of "I'll fucking kill them. I've never been so angry in my life,"... as all princesses speak.
Well if you live in the kingdom Princesses Moon and Stars live in, you must speak that way to get by. Princessing 101. Not entirely unlike English 101. Very similar in fact.
Just as Moon and Stars felt that these shenanigans could get no worse, they began pushing each other in such a way that they began banging into the Wee One, who had been doing a valiant job prior: protecting the princesses from the jesters. Not to mention giving up her own view of the show despite all the dubloons she too had shelled out to bear witness to this event.
So Princess Stars took measures into her own dainty hands. She bravely approached the most grotesque ogre of the three and demanded he leave the wee one alone at once. To which the response was his throwing his short ogre arms into the air and proposing a duel to the death. (This is real shit people; metaphor aside, this dude wanted to FIGHT Stars.) (Also on a very real note, had Stars actually had that goddamn sword in the stone, his ogre buddies would have had to carry his head home in a bag.) She had left the sword in the stone at home, unfortunately. No one really ever expects to run into ogre-ous riff raff at an event for the king's court. Surely not.
The princesses then regaled in a goblet of Newcastle. A much deserved goblet.
The End.
Moral of the story: Ogres should stay the hell away from princesses with an attitude. Or perhaps they should just stay out of the kingdom entirely.
If you see this man behind Stars, everyone, punch him in the eye. He is the King ogre:
If you see these princesses... well... buy them a beverage:
-moon/stars
TIME FOR AN INTERVENTION. YOU HAVE FINALLY CRACKED:
ReplyDeleteDissociative identity disorder (DID), as defined by the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR), is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a mental illness in which a single person displays multiple distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment. The diagnosis requires that at least two personalities routinely take control of the individual's behavior with an associated memory loss that goes beyond normal forgetfulness; in addition, symptoms can not be to substance abuse or medical condition. Earlier versions of the DSM named the condition multiple personality disorder (MPD), which is still used by the ICD-10.
"Princess Moon" has recently been seen about town as a student, a bartender, a legal assistant, a professional typist and, most recently (and perhaps most disturbing), as "Jareth, the Goblin King"
I recommend immediate psyciatric intervention!
Signed,
your favorite: musical lawyer, tax preparer, real estate broker, professional manager, photographic retoucher/graphic designer, alcoholic & slut