Before I begin my usual rant on the finer points of suckage, I will first concede that Coachella is amazing. People are friendly; they just invite you to crash in their giant mansions upon meeting you. There are so many amazing and really strange things to see (and I'm not even talking about the bands). There's great music and tasty snacks. What's not to love? Well, you can always count on your old pal stars to find something to be pissed about. Or truth be told, some things.
1) The Impossibility of Finding Anyone
I haven't seen my friend Chris in over a year. He's back on the east coast and we seem to keep missing each other every time I'm back. We spent an entire weekend just a few hundred yards from each other and still couldn't manage to hook up. And it actually took nearly a full 24 hours for me to find my friend Erica who* I was STAYING with. Although I did get the consolation prize of the century with a David Hasselhoff sighting.
2) Shoddy Cell Phone Service
I am absolutely one of those people that is useless as a human when I'm without a cell phone. Seeing the evil "X" or no bars on my phone makes me want to spit venom especially when I am trying to meet up with someone, a la point numero uno. But the cell phone service at Coachella has an even more annoying factor to it. All weekend, my phone lied to me and told me I had full coverage but somehow just couldn't send or receive texts without some absurd multi-hour delay.
3) Pass "Situations" and Rude Security Guards
Much like Orion hates security guards who wield power just because they can, I too have a vendetta against evil, power-hungry security. Can someone explain to me why my sidestage pass that would allow me to actually go onstage would not let me into the VIP tent where approximately 2,500 people were allowed? Yeah, I can't either. According to the good folks at Coachella, I had permission to go backup dance during Prince's set, but could not share in the VIP beer? Height of rudeness.
4) Annoying Security Gripe Part Deux
They like to make you walk certain paths where there is all sorts of human pileup. Why? I don't know. Allowing people to use the whole road instead of a fenced in dustbowl would probably create less congestion. But what do I know?
5) VIP Parking
In an attempt to not come off as elitist, preferred parking is hard to come by unless you are actually handicapped. My lovely and wonderful Amanda took care of special parking for me. However, this special parking was actually farther away than the general public parking. I saw press people carrying 25 pound cameras and crazy amounts of equipment the half mile to the venue. I appreciate the idea of being able to park close when you are physically incapable of walking far (although if you are incapable of walking that far to the venue, you honestly probably shouldn't be at Coachella where everything is a solid quarter mile away from everything else in the first place) and I do understand that maybe I am a spoiled brat about being able to park where I want, but these press people were seriously fucked. So much for being VIP.
6) My Pink Hair
Okay, this is perhaps not a Coachella problem, but it certainly came to light in the drug-friendly environment that Coachella has come to be. My hair is currently a shockingly bright shade of pink and this somehow apparently screams to crazies that I am a drug dealer. For the record... I do NOT have ecstasy on me nor can I sell you some meth. And honestly wouldn't any drug dealer at a festival like that try to carry themselves with a little more discretion and maybe not have glow-in-the-dark hair? Just a thought.
7) Prince
He is overrated and garbage.
Sorry, Coachella, for making you the subject of my rageout. I truly had a lovely time and fully appreciate the tan you provided me! Until next year...
-stars
*whom
4.28.2008
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Oh, I see we're now back to blogging. After a hiatus that seemed almost as intolerably long as the Bush Presidency, y'all are back and expect us, your loyal readers, to simply pick up where you left off??
ReplyDeleteWell, that's not that difficult in my case, since I was terribly obnoxious before the said hiatus and suppose I will likely resume in similar fashion now.
To start, let me thank dear Stars for numbering her gripes, so as to make criticism of them more orderly.
1. I would rather contract Syphilis as a "consolation prize" than see David Hasselhoff.
(no, that's not really picking on Stars, as promised, but it had to be said!)
2. Stars, other than you and the actual "stars", do you really think that the great unwashed masses at Coachella were of the "employed" ilk, such that they might be carrying personal communication devices? They don't really need cell phone service at a festival catering to that clientele. . . . do they??
3. I, of course, know that you did not just discover that security guards are egomaniacal douches, so most of this point can go without comment. However, as someone who has, in the past, been an invited guest to a big outdoor music festival, by a certain Dutch beer manufacturer (which sponsored the festival), I can tell you that those particular VIP areas are not actually about BEING "V.I.P"; it is about advertising and marketing. The beer folk obviously did not feel the need to court young Stars (though they don't know what they're missing) and that is why you were not permitted into their magical hops & barley & yeast-filled realm. You, by the way, SHOULD have gotten up and danced behind Prince(note: if you had danced in FRONT of him, he would have been totally eclipsed; and I ain't callin Stars fat!)
4. I'm gonna take this one on a tangent, to get us back to "Do" (Yes, that IS a "Sound of Music" reference).
Have you ever wondered why the City spends millions upon millions of dollars on "urban planners" who very carefully and scientifically time out all of the traffic lights in the City, JUST to have those light sequences ignored, in favor of relying upon cops who are too stupid to get off traffic control duty?? Inevitably, the cops ALWAYS fuck up the traffic far more than if they had simply allowed the million dollar urban planner Plan go.
Same thing as with the security guards at events like Coachella. If you allow guys who were too stupid to get jobs on the NYPD as traffic cops, control the pedestrian traffic, can you really be surprised when they do something retarded??
5. LOL - I just find the parking thing funny. Sorry. As the only son of two parents who BOTH now (deservedly) have Handicapped placards for the car, I find it somewhat offensive that you suggested my mom and dad were NOT welcome to rock out at Coachella, but . . . whatever! The fact that you were probably WEIGHED DOWN and hunchbacked from the plethora of VIP credentials hanging around your neck AND had to walk 718 miles to the venue does amuse me. Sorry. It does!
6. Stars, seriously, you can tell me: you got any hash? any blow? come on . . . I know you're holding! I've never seen a chick with pink hair that wasn't holding! So, get off the high horse and go get the unwashed masses HIGH!!!
(This is like the time I walked through the gay pride parade on Christopher Street, wearing nothing more than my ass-less chaps and kept getting annoyed that guys tried pinching my ass)
7. I agree. Prince sucks. Ya know it's bad when I even prefer the Tom Jones version of a Prince song ("Kiss") to the original!
Real quick Prince story.
It's 1994. I'm in Law School. Most of you were in kindergarten (fuck off Moon!). I'm sitting with the owner of Boston Comedy Club (which is still on West Third Street, but has changed names). The owner points out that Prince is walking in. IN walks: three tall hot, modelesque chicks, one short ugly chick and one 400 pound, bald-headed security type. It took me about 20 minutes to realize the ugly chick was Prince!
Ok, . . .well welcome back to your own blog, boys and girls. Good to have you back amongst us!