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grievance: abuse of the english language (english 101)

Here are some rules upon which the English language was developed. Apparently some of you don't think they apply to you. But they do. Sorry.

1. It's "for all intents and purposes" not "INTENSIVE PURPOSES"... what would you conjecture that to even mean?

2. You can't be or feel "nauseous." That word means something (or someone, apparently, considering how oft it's misused) that CAUSES nausea. Next time you say "I'm nauseous," you're saying that you're causing people around you to throw up. Try "I'm nauseated"... past participle of "to nauseate" acting adjectivally.

3. You feel "good." You feel "bad." You don't feel either of the following: "badly" or "well." Unless, of course, you are a very skilled in the field of FEELING things (as an action verb) such as tables, clothes, faces, etc. Then you feel well. "Feel," in this manner, is a linking verb, so it deserves a predicate adjective,
not an adverb.

4. "To whom are you talking to?" is the worst thing that has ever happened to English. Don't try to sound smart if you don't understand why you're saying something. Please.

5. Furthermore, don't use "whom" unless you really know how to use it and understand SOMETHING about the accusative case in Latin declensions. Hearing "to whom it may concern" doesn't make you erudite on the topic.

6. (A personal note): My (nick-)name, Jenn, has two Ns in it. (Note I've not used an apostrophe after the N in making this case, because there is NOOOOOO possessing involved here.) I'll give you an explanation (about which you may not care): there are two Ns in Jennifer. Same goes for Matthew, Jessica, and Jeffrey (par example)... and their shortened names are Matt, Jess and Jeff (respectively). They do not omit the double consonant in their names... why the hell would I? Unless I decided to call myself Jen-Nifer. Okay then.

7. There is a HUGE difference between "its" and "it's." "It's" = it + is and "its" means "belonging to IT." Not that difficult, people.

8. "Person X and I" is not always correct. In fact, it's only appropriate when that is the beginning (i.e. subject [i.e. in the nominative case]) of a sentence. So when I say "call Person X and
me later," I mean it. You wouldn't say "call I later," now would you?

9. "Further" is figurative (as in a discussion) and "farther" means ACTUAL, measurable distance.

10. If I'm tired, I'm going to "lie" down. If my bag is heavy, I'm going to "lay" my bag down. You LIE down on a bed; you LAY other things down. Or if you're really risky, and Sophie B. Hawkins (an alumna of my grade school), you "lay [you] down to sleep."

11. "Alumni" means a PLURAL group of either MEN who have graduated from somewhere, or men and women, as long as there is one man in the group. (Sexist? I know. I don't care. I'm not a feminist. Just a grammar nazi.) If you are a MALE graduate, just ONE person, you are an "alumn
us." A singular woman graduate? "Alumna." A group of women? "Alumnae." Come on. Haven't ANY of you taken a foreign language for at least... 36 seconds, to understand gender in agreeing adjectives? Incidentally, "alumnae" is the only one that is pronounced the way "alumni" is said commonly said. "Alumni" is pronounced "alum-nee."

12. It's SUPP-OHS-ID-LY. Not supposibly, or any other variation of which you can think. SUPPOSEDLY.

13. "All right" is two words. Not one. And why in the world would you, in contracting, omit one L? Pshhh...

14. There are SOME words which do not follow the (overly simplified) rule of adding an S to the end of a word to create a plural. It's really not that hard. Yes, they come from Greek and Latin (and I'm aware I semi-addressed this with alumnus/a/i/ae) and I'm aware that sounds scary. The words DATA and MEDIA are PLURAL. Their singular forms are datum and medium. It works the other way as well: the plural of "hypothesis" is "hypotheses"; "thesis", "theses." There is no reason for anyone to be saying "thesises." Ever. See. There's a rule. Learn it. Love it. Use it. Or I'll be mad.

15. "Loose" does not equal "lose." Think about it. Legitimately, think about it.

16. "You're" and "your." Oh my goodness. Again. Like "its" and "it's." "You're" = you are. "Your" = belonging to you! Wow....

17. In the same spirit... "than" and "then." One is for comparing, e.g. "better
than..." One is an adverb denoting time, e.g. "and then he ran away."

18. "E.g." and "i.e." are two different things. "E.g." (exempli gratia) expresses an EXAMPLE of a whole (which is not necessarily indicative of an aforementioned statement, but illustrates it well. "I.e." (id est) further clarifies a statement. In Latin, it literally means "it is." This makes sense. You are QUANTIFYING something... zeroing in. Not giving a POSSIBLE exemplification.

19. "Etc." is etched in stone. You cannot change it to be what it is that your fingers throw onto the keyboard. "Ect." is really, just, unacceptable. It STANDS for something. Remember when words MEANT something? "Et ceteris," in Latin = "and the others." Again. Makes simple sense.

20. Stop overusing "one" in the anonymous sense. Come on. Are you in 9th grade English? Yeah....

Hope I offended... everyone. You all went through to... at least... 5th grade, no ? Get it together.



grievance: "hips don't lie" by shakira

I really need to get this off my chest in a bigger way than complaining to my coworkers when it comes on the mixes at work...

The new Shakira song... "Hips Don't Lie" or whatever... is by far the worst song that has ever been released, recorded, written, danced to or hummed in the history of all music. I actually like Shakira ("Estoy Aquí" is a great song) however... this song makes very evil feelings inside of me come out and makes me capable of possibly killing small children. Just writing this blog, I am angrier than I've been in months. Death to the songwriting team behind Shakira.

Addendum: My friend Mike combated my hatred for this song by claiming it was a "pop song" and that "Wyclef wrote it; it's awesome." To this I must respond that I am not talking about the beat, because it is an awesome beat, and was an awesome beat for a rap song in the mid-90s when it was one. However, it is inappropriate fodder for a Colombian pop star to sing over with a melody that is so completely incongruous with the beat that it might as well be in a different key. Thank you.