shit that sucks - subway edition

Please don't get me wrong. I love the subway and would choose it over any other mode of transportation our fine city has to offer. It gets me where I need to go inexpensively and quickly - and I love all things fast, cheap, and out of control. However in my attempts to use our underground transport system this morning to get from point A to point B, I've assumed a few new gripes and would thus like to address this letter to the MTA. (Please note: I'm writing this on my BlackBerry while riding the 6, J. Lo style).

1. Service changes on weekends - just because it's the weekend doesn't mean that you should feel free to mess with my subway service. Why shouldn't the V run on weekends, and why shouldn't the F stop at 14th street this weekend? Seriously - why is that okay? The L isn't running either, so the MTA has suggested riding the M14 bus instead. As much as I love the subway, I detest the bus. I'd rather ride a fucking camel.

2. My one man mariachi band on 14th street and 6th avenue on the uptown F/V platform (which I couldn't access today because of service changes, see above) - I love music. I live for music. Seeing Susan Cagle play in the Union Square station when I take the 4, 5, or 6 makes me really happy. As do drummers banging on buckets Bring-In-Da- Noise-Bring-In-Da-Funk Style, or even strange old women playing exotic Asian woodwind instruments - though I despise the instances when they're playing simultaneously, 2 feet from each other and not jamming with one another but rather each playing their own cacophonous shit. I love steel drum players. They transport me from waiting on the platform to being on a Caribbean vacation. What I hate is the dude that's taken up residence on my subway stop, exactly in the spot I wait for the train every weekday morning, playing Mariachi music on his guitar while beaming the most offensive shit-eating grin that says "yeah I know this is annoying you and I don't care." We need more subway accordion players like they have in Paris on the Metro that make me feel like I'm the male Audrey Tauteua starring in Amelie. Can we import some please?

3. The attempted humor of the MTA's educational signs - signs about not tripping on the platform, riding the subway while dying, not giving money to panhandlers, and (my favorite) not leaving your newspaper on the train, are not really funny. No puns like "the best news is a clean train. Throw out your newspaper" are amusing. In fact I leave my post on the seat of a V train every day in the hopes of saving some fellow straphanger 25 cents and informing them of Lindsay Lohan's recent falling-off-the-wagon-ness. As far as the other signs go - why are we telling people not to help out the homeless? And, really, do we need signs saying not to hurl on the train? If you're dumb enough to ride the train while profusely bleeding or gushing a pus rash you probably can't read that sign anyway, nor will you find a statement like "we want you to feel good when you ride" amusing.

Okay I've arrived at my destination.

Dear MTA,

Please take these suggestions under consideration.

Best,
Orion

Addendum - signs telling you to hold on to the poles in the subway cars and the rails on the escalator - I have the art of freestanding subway surfing down to a science and escalators really aren't that difficult to maneuver on. On the other hand, while I'm not a germaphobe I would reckon that those poles and rails contain more bacteria than a shitmonkey's asshole - yes a shitmonkey - and touching them should be acceptable only while wearing gloves or if it is the final challenge standing between you and a cash prize on Fear Factor. Even then I'd want a bathtub of Purell standing by.

-orion's belt buckle