grievance: my appliances

Dear Shower,

Stop arbitrarily choosing a time to raise your temperature 10 fold. Unfortunately, you oft do it while I am washing my face and it really, really hurts.

I don't know what I did to you to receive this kind of bipolar treatment. I also have to file a complaint regarding your desire to drop the temperature 10 fold as well.

I think you should be punched in the face immediately.

Love,
Scalded Moon

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Dear Refrigerator/Freezer,

I'm at a loss for words. All summer long when I desired chilled drinks and the capability to make frozen cocktails, you refused to make ice and, instead, gave me crunchy water.

Now it is winter time and I have no such desire. And not only do you engender ice for me quite willingly but you also freeze bottles of soda and cartons of juice in my refrigerator.

Furthermore, a couple weeks ago you randomly started to leak and now my white tiled floor looks like crap no matter how often I mop it. What's the effin' deal?

I hope you rot in hell.

Love,
Parched Moon

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Dear Cable Box,

I understand that you are all kinds of high-tech but we've had you replaced once already and you continue to manifest severely pixelated images and act weird when I use your DVR functions.

Why won't you let me watch Intervention, asshole?

Love,
Aggravated Moon

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Dear Stove,

When you making clicking noises to let me know to turn you down, the frequency connects in some way with my stereo in my room and makes a reverberating clicking noise all over my room through 8 speakers.

Stop fucking doing that!!!! It makes me feel weird!

Love,
Aurally-Freaked-Out Moon

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Dear Shower Drain,

I DO understand that two women produce a lot of hair. But I find it surreptitious that I need to use an entire BOTTLE of Drain-O on you once a month.
Why are you doing this to me? It makes my shower so gross and I think the cashiers at Duane Reade think I'm cooking some kind of weird drugs.

Love,
Dead Moon ('Cause She Slipped On Soap Scum Due To Improper Draining)

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Ugh. Why can't life be easier?

-moon