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12.07.2007

grievance: attempts at clever plays on words

There is a store on 14th and 8th. A shoe store. It is called "Shoegasm."

Shoe doesn't sound like "or."

If it did, "Shoegasm" would be clever.

Dane Cook called his comedy tour "Tourgasm." Not "Showgasm." Because that's not funny. Nor is it clever.

Apparently the genius minds behind this shoe store are hanging out with Geoffrey Chaucer in 14th Century London...

"Rede in his almageste, and take it there.
Dame, I wolde praye yow, if youre wyl it were,
"(The Wife of Bath's Prologue [the meaning of which I have NO idea])

... because while they seem to think "shoe" rhymes with "or," Mr. Chaucer has rhymed "there" and "were." Thank you Great Vowel Shift. (1200 to 1600 A.D. must have been a WILD time for miscommunication.)

The "ooh" (like "moon") sound in Modern English sounds very much like how it would have in Middle English. The "oh" sound in "orgasm," however, is traced back to having sounded like "ehw" (as in "new"). I find it senseless to use IPA here; this blog is already technical and gratuitously erudite enough. Thus "shoe" and "or" would have rhymed as well as "there" and "were" did.

That said, Shoegasm owners: if you were alluding (VERY backhandedly) to pre-Great Vowel Shift pronunciations of English, I laud you. I will begin buying "shores" at "Shore"-gasm immediately.

What's my point? If you're trying to be clever, appropriating 14th Century pronunciation for the name of your West Village shoe store ain't gonna fly.

Sub-point: I'm going to name my shoe store (that I now have to open solely for the purpose of PROPERLY effectuating cleverness) "Chaucer." His last name comes from the French word "chaussier." What does it mean?

Shoemaker.

-moon

7 comments:

  1. The Musical LawyerDecember 8, 2007 at 2:49 AM

    And yet, when you pay a chick for sex and she climaxes, it's a "Whore-gasm";

    If you've been married for more than 3 years and have to get your wife off, . . that's a "Chore-gasm";

    Raucous sex, that causes you to fall off the bed, usually results in a "Floor-gasm";

    If you're bangin' a French fashion designer, you should try your best to give her a "Christian Dior-gasm";

    Wild sex at a hospital in the Bronx ends when your partner has a "Motefiore-gasm";

    Culinary copulation with a stew-maker is best when you ensure your partner has a "Soup Du Jour-gasm";

    The least desirable sexual act, of course, is screwing a chick with herpes. Nothing worse than a "Sore-gasm";

    Taking advantage of your partner while they sleep can often be a "Snore-gasm";

    Sticky sex around the campfire is sweetest when it culminates in a "S'more-gasm";

    Sex on the Beach is not only a great shot, but is also a great way to get a "SeaShore-gasm";

    Doin' it with a cartoon donkey, while Winnie the Pooh watches, is the only way to truly have an "Eeyore-gasm";

    Clumsy oral sex from a 19 year old might give you a "Sophomore-gasm";

    Stevie Wonder is an amazing lay and will almost always give you a "My Cherie Amour-gasm";

    Fucking in a rainstorm is especially hot if you have a "Downpour-gasm";

    Dirty sex with a Hippie, in the back of a V.W. minibus will score you a "Make-love-not-War-gasm"; and finally

    awkwardly stiff sex with an environmentalist yields an "Al Gore-gasm"

    [yes, I stayed in tonight. Yes, I made these all up. Yes, I have WAY too much free time on my hands!]

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  2. im going to ignore the implication that the name "Tourgasm" is clever and funny... by indirectly comparing it to "Showgasm" and stating that was not clever or funny.

    in reality "Tourgasm" doesn't work either... i don't say OOOORGASM... i say ORGASM

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  3. What the fuck are you talking about???

    Do New Jersey people say "tooooooooour"? "Tour" and "or" happen to rhyme in my pronunciation. It is clever. Despite the fact that Dane Cook is an asshole.

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  4. my dog, as you know, likes to hump my shoe....so shoegasm is an appropriate name in that sense.

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  5. Lesson's learned?

    1) Any half-wit with a marketing degree or the ability to run a small business should not attach 'gasm' to anything that can't be interpreted as X-rated. Thus, the rule exempts adult video store owners and the like.

    2) Cliched uses for 'gasm' words as demonstrated here are funny, but should never be used in a literal sense.

    3) People from New Jersey have a lot of growing up to do...more money for the school system should go on that list as well.

    4) Dane Cook? Asshole.

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  6. I resent the NJ comments. Born and bred in Jersey and I find nothing funny about "Shoegasm" either.

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  7. Since you're all talkin' about Stinky Jersey . . ., I assume you know what you get when you bang a chick in Bel Mar? That's definately a "Down-the-Shore-gasm"!

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