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grievance: lottery tickets

I'm not even that pissed at the lottery.

If someone is going to throw money away in the hopes of some fantastical amount of cash coming his or her way, by all means, Lottery (or anyone else for that matter), take that shit. (Indeed, I just apostrophized "the Lottery," because surely the blatant scarcity of poetic devices à la John Donne on this blog is utterly blasphemous. O Fortuna! O Romeo! O Lottery! I am clearly among the genius ranks of Carl Orff and William Shakespeare. Actually... I don't even really like Carl Orff.)

Ok, so now that I've apparently and inadvertantly set the stage for a play... the plot of which consists of a poor peasant buying lottery tickets, losing and thus, in desperation, evoking the great dieties:

O Nickel, you loathsome God of Scratch-Off Tickets!
O Ping-Pong-Looking-Ball, you are filled with avarice, you God of Pick-10!
O Giant Machine Which Takes Up A Large Portion of Counters At Newspaper Stores, you shall rue the day you... you... umm... did something, God of Weird Vending Machines at Bars!

Somewhere along the way... it's pretty clear that my hatred for lottery tickets has spun me into another plane of rage. But it's not even the lottery tickets themselves (as I've made blatantly clear). It's that every SINGLE time, every goddamned SINGLE time I'm in a rush, there is always an asshole in front of me buying LOTTO tickets. And it's hardly even a contest... there is a disparity as widely gaping as a temporal Grand Canyon between how much time I need to hand the kind gentleman my money and receive change and goods in return, and how long it takes YOU, yes YOU MOTHERFUCKER, to pick out what kinds of crappy, shiney, bullshit pipe-dream you're going to gamble on today. Just hurry it up.

I'm just saying, have some etiquette about it. If you know I'm gonna be in and out of there, there's no reason to give me dirty looks when I start to look like a child who is going to pee in her pants. I'm not allowed to smoke anywhere anymore. And now you're ruining the process of purchasing cigarettes for me too? Your vice is allowed to annoy me and I have to curtail my "vice" around you LOTTO-fiends? You know what? New rule: if I can't smoke, you can't buy LOTTO tickets.

And what's with the stupid grey stuff on scratch-offs? What the hell is that stuff made out of?


1 comment:

  1. The Badass Musicizzle Lawyerizzle is back!! andJuly 18, 2008 at 4:36 PM

    Hey, I'll take:

    1-3-5 Box
    1-0-1-5 both ways
    9-4-5 straight
    7-1-8, hmmm, give it to me Box. No wait, give it to me straight. Oh, hell, play it both ways.
    And I forgot my mom's birthday: give me 0-6-0-5
    Oh, I forgot the date I was paroled - that's 3-9-0-5, box.
    My oldest baby's mama is 2-7-9-1, so play that straight.
    Can't forget to play the Moon's number: 4-4-8-5.
    I also have a gut feeling about:
    8-9-3-2 and
    Play those all, Box.

    As long as I'm here, can you check all of these tickets, from yesterday for me?
    These are Lotto. . . .

    These are from the Mega Millions . . .

    Pick 3 . . . .

    Pick 4 . . . .

    Ok, so that comes to how much?
    Cool, I've got a $1 winning scratch off, so pay me on that. I've got a $2 scratch-off too. Just credit that towards today's numbers. . . .

    Moon. I feel ya! I hate this nonsense too.
    They should just open up little Lotto Kiosks, all over the City, where these people can spend hours wasting their money and not interfering with the rest of our lives!