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grievance: bar etiquette (silly cocktails)

There are plenty of blogs which come from the standpoint of a bartender or someone who works in service about all the fucked up shit that customers do. So I've been blog-reticent on this matter, in the hopes of not being redundant.

But oh my stars, each and every one of these following drinks is ordered each and every time I bartend. And each and every time, I want to take a pint glass, smash it on the bar and scratch the customer's face out with that beautiful serrated translucence. So in an attempt to NOT go to jail for assault, I've decided to use my experience for good and share with you all...

Drinks to Order If You Want the Bartender to Laugh At You:
1. SoCo/lime shots. Usually ordered by: a douchebag who played football in high school, majored in business or political science, and is currently working at his daddy's company. Always ordered in a gratuitous quantity, like TEN, to give to all his buddies, i.e. the vapid blonde chicks he's with. You know them: the ones who bring purses nice enough to have to wipe the bar with a beverage napkin before putting it down. And the douchebag dudes that look JUST like him, also wearing popped-collared-Polo shirts. Southern Comfort is fucking DISGUSTING.

2. Red Bull mixed with top-shelf vodkas, especially, but not limited to Grey Goose. If you're drinking Red Bull with liquor, you're essentially a crack head. Red Bull, while I do love it solo, is like carbonated SHIT. And if you're mixing it with booze, it's probably nighttime. Nobody needs that kind of caffeine after noon. Your goal with this kind of "cocktail" is essentially to have a heart attack, die, or throw up. It doesn't matter if it's house vodka or fucking Belvedere. You just sound like an asshole.

3. Partially connected to number 2, STOP ORDERING GREY GOOSE. It really isn't that great a vodka. You're paying for a name that you think is trendy and respected. It really isn't.

4. You have no place ordering a dirty martini, (of course, with Grey Goose) at a rock bar. For that matter, the fact that anyone would think such bars would serve mojitos is simply ludicrous. There are people smashing into you from behind, left and right trying to get a drink. You think I'm going to muddle mint leaves? You deserve to be choked with a lime for even asking.

5. If you order Jager bombs or Irish car bombs, you are automatically an asshole.

6. If you order Jager shots, surfer on acid shots, or red-headed slut shots, you are automatically a douchebag. For that matter, kamikazi shots, lemon drop shots and buttery nipple shots make you a fucking pussy.

7. Anything "sour," namely whisky sours, amaretto sours, or (ugh) Midori sours. No, no, no. Those, along with Malibu bay breezes, are also a huge tip off to "I'm 16 years old." If you ARE 16 years old, think of a better drink. If you're NOT 16 years old, message to you: be a bigger loser.

8. I understand that somewhere along the way somebody decided to turn "vodka and tonic" into "vodka tonic," and "vodka and cranberry" into "vodka cranberry." I don't know why, but the linguistic transformation has happened. With that said, there is no such thing as a "gin tonic." Stop ordering them from me. It's just weird.

9. Stop drinking Jose Cuervo. Seriously. It's a Mexican dude pissing in a bottle.

10. Girls, stop drinking cosmopolitans and apple martinis if you're doing it because you think you're Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City. I can ALWAYS tell. You're not fabulous. You're probably FAT from drinking all that sugary, sugary crap. If you're wearing a tutu with leggings and expensive shoes, you deserve a smack in the head.



  1. excuse me miss, you forgot Long Island Ice Tea's as well.

  2. Haha... I considered including them actually. But they're so obviously a douchebag drink that I thought it was senseless to include them. This is about providing information, not simple ridicule, Chuck!!

  3. The Alcoholic LawyerFebruary 21, 2008 at 3:13 PM

    Britney Spears has reportedly been slurping down a concoction called "the Purple Monster", which is a combination of Vodka, Red Bull & Nyquil. Yes, I said Nyquil, i.e. the Cough syrup!

    Do ya think she has the nerve to specify that crappy premium French vodka when she orders??

    Also, as long as you brought it up: how is it that Grey Goose (which is only marginally better than Absolut) earned the reputation as a top "Premium" vodka?
    Any alcoholic worth his "grain" knows that Vodka was born in Eastern Europe. The idea that the French (who manufacture Grey Goose) or the Brits (Smirnoff) or Californians (Skyy)or Dutch (Ketel One) could possibly compete with the Russians (Stoli) or Polish (Chopin/Belvedere) is mind-boggling.

    Fun piece of trivia: Absolut vodka (which is perfectly acceptable to order, right up to the day you graduate from High School) is actually a state-owned company, run by the Swedish government.

  4. i just hear a lot of whinning and pissing be a bartender and give people what they want